I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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