if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
