I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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