Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
