If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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