Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
