I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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