I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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