from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
