I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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