She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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