So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
