My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
