I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
