I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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