only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
