No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
