I could make wine with my vomit
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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