Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
