Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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