So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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