Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
