I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
