Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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