i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
