Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize