i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
