got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
