Where did you get a picture of my penis
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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