summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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