She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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