Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize