He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
