you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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