I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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