John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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