just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
