What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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