Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
