This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
