its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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