I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Welp...herpes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
