Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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