there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
