It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
