Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
