When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize