So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
