You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
