My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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