This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
