My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
