He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
