you would pick up someone in the library
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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