My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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