i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
