I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize