I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
