Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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