I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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