ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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