Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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